In Matthew it says, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God." I didn't get that at all for the longest time. Then somehow I started understanding it to mean that all I needed to live in this life is the Word of God. But I couldn't figure out how I could go without physical food and still survivr. I seriously took it to mean one or the other....that God's Word would/could replace actual food. And honestly I was mad at God for asking me to do that.
But apparently now that my 6th child has begun to read, I have learned how to read as well. For example, I am seeing ALL of the words that are there. I have realized that, aside from being called to fast, God is not telling me to quit eating and just read the Bible or memorize verses.
Thanks to some wonderful sisters in Christ, my eyes have yet again been opened to some awesome truths. Tonight's revelation is one that I hope I can relate in a way that makes sense. Here goes...
I am actually two separate beings....a physical being and a spiritual being...my flesh and my spirit. Just like my body requires physical food to grow and thrive, so does my spirit man require the Word of God for "food" to grow and thrive. And just like in our physical lives where the stronger person dominates the weaker person, so in our own bodies the stronger of the flesh or spirit will dominate the weaker.
In the end, whichever is fed more will grow and thrive more and will dominate. It's my choice. To choose the spirit is to choose life and connection to God. To choose the flesh is to choose death and separation from God. Yes, there will be growing pains...but the more I choose to walk in the spirit...and the more dominant that part of me becomes....the less painful life will be.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Joshua Michael
Joshie was supposed to be a girl. We all convinced ourselves he was.
Then it happened. A week and a half before he was born, I was up early on a Sunday morning praying. God laid the name Joshua Michael on my heart. I knew what it meant...my baby was a boy...and I cried.
That morning during church I started thinking about the meaning of the name. Joshua means "God is my salvation", and Michael means "who is like God". That was enough to stun me. But when I read about the character of Joshua and Michael, I was completely overwhelmed. I thought maybe I was scratching the surface of what Mary felt when God told her that she would give birth to Jesus.
When Joshie was about 6 months old I started having horrible anxiety attacks. I couldn't eat or sleep...I was so afraid of me (or someone else in the house) throwing up. It was absolutely paralyzing. I was afraid to get in a car at times. I couldn't seem to control the thoughts myself...nor did praying seem to help. I remember one night in particular just bawling on the floor, begging God to help me.
After about 4 months, the anxiety seemed to back off...drastically, in fact. But it was replaced with severe depression, which I didn't even recognize at first. It all came to a head the day my friend's husband died. It wasn't unexpected, but I felt completely lost and alone. If Tom couldn't have enough faith...and he was a pastor...where did that leave me???? My friend introduced me to Pastor Jim Richards' materials...and suddenly there was hope again. That wasn't the end of the anxiety, but it was MUCH better...less often...and more manageable. I could at least force myself to try to focus on praying and God's truths.
It's been 4 1/2 years since the anxiety started. The attacks are still few and far between...and MUCH easier to manage. But it irritates me that it still bothers me at all. I just don't want to have to fight this stupid thing any more. And tonight, when I started to struggle, I was walking with Noelle to get her to sleep and complaining to God. I'm just tired of having to fight this thing.
And then it hit me.
I thought I kind of understood the name thing. But I realized tonight that I wasn't even close. (Of course, I may realize down the road that I'm STILL not even close!) The reality is, every attack is an opportunity to recognize Jesus as my salvation. He even gave me a reminder...Joshua Michael. JESUS is my salvation...and there is NO ONE like Him!
The timing of Joshie's birth even...in the midnight hour...is just amazing to me. In fact, he was born the night The Passion came out in movie theaters. When I watched the movie, I checked to see what was happening about 45 minutes in. It was when Jesus was before Herod. It didn't seem all that significant at the time. But now it seems as if He was showing me that He was fighting for me even then.
All these words I've written cannot begin to express the depth of the revelation I've had tonight. I'm amazed and overwhelmed with His love and protection of me.
THANK YOU, LORD!!!
Then it happened. A week and a half before he was born, I was up early on a Sunday morning praying. God laid the name Joshua Michael on my heart. I knew what it meant...my baby was a boy...and I cried.
That morning during church I started thinking about the meaning of the name. Joshua means "God is my salvation", and Michael means "who is like God". That was enough to stun me. But when I read about the character of Joshua and Michael, I was completely overwhelmed. I thought maybe I was scratching the surface of what Mary felt when God told her that she would give birth to Jesus.
When Joshie was about 6 months old I started having horrible anxiety attacks. I couldn't eat or sleep...I was so afraid of me (or someone else in the house) throwing up. It was absolutely paralyzing. I was afraid to get in a car at times. I couldn't seem to control the thoughts myself...nor did praying seem to help. I remember one night in particular just bawling on the floor, begging God to help me.
After about 4 months, the anxiety seemed to back off...drastically, in fact. But it was replaced with severe depression, which I didn't even recognize at first. It all came to a head the day my friend's husband died. It wasn't unexpected, but I felt completely lost and alone. If Tom couldn't have enough faith...and he was a pastor...where did that leave me???? My friend introduced me to Pastor Jim Richards' materials...and suddenly there was hope again. That wasn't the end of the anxiety, but it was MUCH better...less often...and more manageable. I could at least force myself to try to focus on praying and God's truths.
It's been 4 1/2 years since the anxiety started. The attacks are still few and far between...and MUCH easier to manage. But it irritates me that it still bothers me at all. I just don't want to have to fight this stupid thing any more. And tonight, when I started to struggle, I was walking with Noelle to get her to sleep and complaining to God. I'm just tired of having to fight this thing.
And then it hit me.
I thought I kind of understood the name thing. But I realized tonight that I wasn't even close. (Of course, I may realize down the road that I'm STILL not even close!) The reality is, every attack is an opportunity to recognize Jesus as my salvation. He even gave me a reminder...Joshua Michael. JESUS is my salvation...and there is NO ONE like Him!
The timing of Joshie's birth even...in the midnight hour...is just amazing to me. In fact, he was born the night The Passion came out in movie theaters. When I watched the movie, I checked to see what was happening about 45 minutes in. It was when Jesus was before Herod. It didn't seem all that significant at the time. But now it seems as if He was showing me that He was fighting for me even then.
All these words I've written cannot begin to express the depth of the revelation I've had tonight. I'm amazed and overwhelmed with His love and protection of me.
THANK YOU, LORD!!!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Faith
The definitions of faith are too numerous to list. Different people have different ideas about what *faith* really is.
In Hebrews, Paul defines faith as believing that God exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him. (Paraphrase of Hebrews 11:6, Message.)
The first part is easy, really. Most (if not all) people who go to church believe that God exists. It's the second part many are challenged with.
For me, the reason the second part is more challenging, is because I've been taught/led to believe that He responds only when I please Him. Now, taking into account that earlier in that same verse Paul says that it's impossible to please God without faith, it seems that I am in a pickle: He only responds when I please Him, and I can only please Him when I believe that He responds. So where does that leave me???? FRUSTRATED!!!
I think a big part of this for me is to realize that the verse says that "He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him." It doesn't say HOW He will respond...just that He will. So if I'm looking too hard for one thing, and He answers in another way...I'm stuck!
That seems to be part of the difference I've seen lately. I've allowed God out of the box of *this is how I want you to respond to this* and just let Him be God. And He has responded in both expected and unexpected ways.
So today I'm grateful that I can *see* God's responses to me...that He is helping me to be aware of these responses. My prayer today is that God will open my eyes to see even MORE of His responses to me!
In Hebrews, Paul defines faith as believing that God exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him. (Paraphrase of Hebrews 11:6, Message.)
The first part is easy, really. Most (if not all) people who go to church believe that God exists. It's the second part many are challenged with.
For me, the reason the second part is more challenging, is because I've been taught/led to believe that He responds only when I please Him. Now, taking into account that earlier in that same verse Paul says that it's impossible to please God without faith, it seems that I am in a pickle: He only responds when I please Him, and I can only please Him when I believe that He responds. So where does that leave me???? FRUSTRATED!!!
I think a big part of this for me is to realize that the verse says that "He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him." It doesn't say HOW He will respond...just that He will. So if I'm looking too hard for one thing, and He answers in another way...I'm stuck!
That seems to be part of the difference I've seen lately. I've allowed God out of the box of *this is how I want you to respond to this* and just let Him be God. And He has responded in both expected and unexpected ways.
So today I'm grateful that I can *see* God's responses to me...that He is helping me to be aware of these responses. My prayer today is that God will open my eyes to see even MORE of His responses to me!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
November 08
So I'm reading through Amos as part of a Bible reading plan on my phone....just finished Hosea and Joel...where God is basically telling the Israelites to get it together or they're gonna be in trouble. I've heard that just because something is in the Bible, it doesn't mean that *God* said it...so much as that was what happened. However, these books are prophecy books...and the men that wrote them are speaking what God has told them to say. So I'm going with the understanding that when God says *If you _____, then I will ____*, that is truly what would happen. In other words, if they continued to reject God, He would cause them to be taken into captivity.
So...my question is...is that who God is today? I am covered by the blood of Jesus, so all of the *if you _____* are taken care of. There are laws to follow not out of obligation or threat of punishment, but because God knows the end result of the bad behavior/actions. The problem is, that makes the *laws* sound like mere suggestions...not necessarily to be taken seriously.
The blood of Jesus protects me from the *punishment* of disobeying the laws...but it may or may not protect me from the *consequences*. Although that kinda makes it sound like God just arbitrarily chooses who to *rescue* and who not to. Then again, that may have something to do with heart issues...and God being willing to *rescue* those who truly have a change of heart. But there again...isn't that an arbitrary decision?
I'm trying desperately to get away from the idea that God is arbitrary. He says He is no respecter of persons. So why does it appear that sometimes He answers and sometimes He doesn't...sometimes He rescues and sometimes He doesn't...sometimes He steps in and sometimes He doesn't. Am I trying too hard to figure Him out????
I thought it was simple. Jesus died to take away my sins and the Holy Spirit lives within me to give me the same power He gave Jesus. So where does that leave God? Why do I get some things I merely mention in a prayer...or just even think about...yet the things that I seriously pray about remain unanswered?
What authority does God have on earth...in my life...today? What authority do I have? Those are the bottom-line questions.
As I typed that, I heard that He has the authority in my life that I give Him. I'm not exactly sure what that means at this moment...something about surrendering. OK...I'm somewhat beginning to understand. But...example...conceiving....what role does God have in that? (I'd love to know the answer across the board...but as Aslan has told the Pevensies...someone else's life is not mine to understand.) In this example, David and I have done all we can to conceive. Is it in God's hands now? Or simply in nature's (whatever that means)?
Reading Amos, I see that all God wants is to be noticed...for me to hunger and thirst for HIM...rather than other gods (including conceiving...hint, hint). I guess where I go then is...does that mean I will get the things I want...that He will honor the desires of my heart? Doesn't He still have the final say on if/when things happen? What about the choices other people make?
It just doesn't seem as simple as I thought it was supposed to be. Or maybe I'm just complicating it. It's all very frustrating.
How exactly do I give Him authority in my life? It's what I want...and has been...but I really don't know how to just *let go* of things that are important to me...like finances and conception (issues du jour...lol). And yet...for a while now...I've felt that if I *let go* those things will just happen...He WILL take care of them. I suppose it's a trust issue.
Ahhh...I look around and don't see evidence....in other peoples' lives...in people that I would think SHOULD have evidence. (Sorry, Jenny...that's you! No pressure!) But I suppose that I see the outward things...not the heart issues...and since everyone has issues....
So where do I look for evidence to know it's true? I have to know in my heart...wow...no tall order there! I have to know because God said so...and meditate on those things until I know in my toes...somehow find a way to attach the feeling of hope to those things...until I don't just know because I CHOOSE to know...but because I really do...
So...my question is...is that who God is today? I am covered by the blood of Jesus, so all of the *if you _____* are taken care of. There are laws to follow not out of obligation or threat of punishment, but because God knows the end result of the bad behavior/actions. The problem is, that makes the *laws* sound like mere suggestions...not necessarily to be taken seriously.
The blood of Jesus protects me from the *punishment* of disobeying the laws...but it may or may not protect me from the *consequences*. Although that kinda makes it sound like God just arbitrarily chooses who to *rescue* and who not to. Then again, that may have something to do with heart issues...and God being willing to *rescue* those who truly have a change of heart. But there again...isn't that an arbitrary decision?
I'm trying desperately to get away from the idea that God is arbitrary. He says He is no respecter of persons. So why does it appear that sometimes He answers and sometimes He doesn't...sometimes He rescues and sometimes He doesn't...sometimes He steps in and sometimes He doesn't. Am I trying too hard to figure Him out????
I thought it was simple. Jesus died to take away my sins and the Holy Spirit lives within me to give me the same power He gave Jesus. So where does that leave God? Why do I get some things I merely mention in a prayer...or just even think about...yet the things that I seriously pray about remain unanswered?
What authority does God have on earth...in my life...today? What authority do I have? Those are the bottom-line questions.
As I typed that, I heard that He has the authority in my life that I give Him. I'm not exactly sure what that means at this moment...something about surrendering. OK...I'm somewhat beginning to understand. But...example...conceiving....what role does God have in that? (I'd love to know the answer across the board...but as Aslan has told the Pevensies...someone else's life is not mine to understand.) In this example, David and I have done all we can to conceive. Is it in God's hands now? Or simply in nature's (whatever that means)?
Reading Amos, I see that all God wants is to be noticed...for me to hunger and thirst for HIM...rather than other gods (including conceiving...hint, hint). I guess where I go then is...does that mean I will get the things I want...that He will honor the desires of my heart? Doesn't He still have the final say on if/when things happen? What about the choices other people make?
It just doesn't seem as simple as I thought it was supposed to be. Or maybe I'm just complicating it. It's all very frustrating.
How exactly do I give Him authority in my life? It's what I want...and has been...but I really don't know how to just *let go* of things that are important to me...like finances and conception (issues du jour...lol). And yet...for a while now...I've felt that if I *let go* those things will just happen...He WILL take care of them. I suppose it's a trust issue.
Ahhh...I look around and don't see evidence....in other peoples' lives...in people that I would think SHOULD have evidence. (Sorry, Jenny...that's you! No pressure!) But I suppose that I see the outward things...not the heart issues...and since everyone has issues....
So where do I look for evidence to know it's true? I have to know in my heart...wow...no tall order there! I have to know because God said so...and meditate on those things until I know in my toes...somehow find a way to attach the feeling of hope to those things...until I don't just know because I CHOOSE to know...but because I really do...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Noelle
I was trying to get Noelle to sleep last night. Sometimes it's so easy...other times it's a challenge. Last night was a challenge. As I was lying there trying to keep my eyes open, Noelle was lying down, then sitting back up, just when I thought she was drifting off to sleep. I began to think that she may very well be a personification of my relationship with God.
Noelle is a very sweet baby. I'm so blessed to have her in my life...we all are. She's getting quite a personality...cute and sassy...and, of course, spoiled. :) Now that she's more mobile, she plays for a good amount of time by herself. But she does like for someone to be fairly near her...just in case she decides she *needs* to be cuddled.
Alas, my little princess does have two irritating flaws...she does not like to sleep and she doesn't seem to have (or want) any kind of routine to her day. When we lay her down for a nap, she may sleep 15 minutes...or 2 hours...one never knows. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Needless to say, she may take as many as 4 naps in a day. And she'll be up for as little as an hour or as much as 4-5 hours in between naps. Her bedtime at night is nowhere near consistent either. Sometimes she'll just lie down next to me and drift off to sleep...and sometimes she would rather me walk her to sleep.
So how does this personify my relationship with God? Well, for starters, I want to *see* Him next to me all the time, just in case I need a hug or something. Yes, I know He's always present with me...but it's not enough to intellectually know...I want to FEEL Him with me.
The biggest similarity, though, is the sleep issue...which would translate to resting in Him. There is no rhyme or reason to when I will. I may rest in Him for 15 minutes...or it may be longer. There is no rhyme or reason to it. And no matter how tired I am, sometimes I just won't give in and rest.
Noelle's name means Beloved Birth Day. That's no accident. It would seem that there has been a heightened sense of awareness of God's reality since the week I was in labor with her. I have definitely made positive progress in my pursuit of God and His true character. And it seems I have seen things about myself much more clearly since her birth.
Noelle is a very sweet baby. I'm so blessed to have her in my life...we all are. She's getting quite a personality...cute and sassy...and, of course, spoiled. :) Now that she's more mobile, she plays for a good amount of time by herself. But she does like for someone to be fairly near her...just in case she decides she *needs* to be cuddled.
Alas, my little princess does have two irritating flaws...she does not like to sleep and she doesn't seem to have (or want) any kind of routine to her day. When we lay her down for a nap, she may sleep 15 minutes...or 2 hours...one never knows. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Needless to say, she may take as many as 4 naps in a day. And she'll be up for as little as an hour or as much as 4-5 hours in between naps. Her bedtime at night is nowhere near consistent either. Sometimes she'll just lie down next to me and drift off to sleep...and sometimes she would rather me walk her to sleep.
So how does this personify my relationship with God? Well, for starters, I want to *see* Him next to me all the time, just in case I need a hug or something. Yes, I know He's always present with me...but it's not enough to intellectually know...I want to FEEL Him with me.
The biggest similarity, though, is the sleep issue...which would translate to resting in Him. There is no rhyme or reason to when I will. I may rest in Him for 15 minutes...or it may be longer. There is no rhyme or reason to it. And no matter how tired I am, sometimes I just won't give in and rest.
Noelle's name means Beloved Birth Day. That's no accident. It would seem that there has been a heightened sense of awareness of God's reality since the week I was in labor with her. I have definitely made positive progress in my pursuit of God and His true character. And it seems I have seen things about myself much more clearly since her birth.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
One Thousand Gifts
I've been blessed to read Ann Voskamp's Holy Experience blog. She writes so beautifully, and I am so encouraged by her words. She challenged her reader's to write a list of 1000 gifts God has blessed them with.
1. walking my baby to sleep while I pray over her
2. a change in perspective, brought on by the words of a friend at dinner last night
3. peaceful moments to read a book
4. seven beautiful, wonderful children
5. a loving and attentive husband
6. a roof over my head
7. food on my table
8. clothes on my back
9. dear friends that I can share with my heart with
10. watching my two girls snuggled together taking a nap on the living room floor
11. listening to my boys helping each other with homework
12. fresh revelation
13. freedom to express my emotions to God without fear of punishment
14. David passed his insurance test the first time
15. playing soccer with a cereal box with Corey
16. tickle fights with Joshie and Kyle
17. sweet baby kisses
18. Noelle's belly laugh
19. the opportunity to teach my children
20. sharing joy with my children when they get good grades
21. singing songs with the littles for Bible
22. learning songs with Kaelyn
23. virtual dream shopping with Kaelyn
24. watching the Olympics with my children
25. witnessing a much-needed object lesson
26. the birth of a calf
27. hearing God speak to me, sometimes when I least expect it
28. watching my babies sleep
29. playing baseball with my children in the yard
30. listening to Joshie sing our Bible songs throughout the day
1. walking my baby to sleep while I pray over her
2. a change in perspective, brought on by the words of a friend at dinner last night
3. peaceful moments to read a book
4. seven beautiful, wonderful children
5. a loving and attentive husband
6. a roof over my head
7. food on my table
8. clothes on my back
9. dear friends that I can share with my heart with
10. watching my two girls snuggled together taking a nap on the living room floor
11. listening to my boys helping each other with homework
12. fresh revelation
13. freedom to express my emotions to God without fear of punishment
14. David passed his insurance test the first time
15. playing soccer with a cereal box with Corey
16. tickle fights with Joshie and Kyle
17. sweet baby kisses
18. Noelle's belly laugh
19. the opportunity to teach my children
20. sharing joy with my children when they get good grades
21. singing songs with the littles for Bible
22. learning songs with Kaelyn
23. virtual dream shopping with Kaelyn
24. watching the Olympics with my children
25. witnessing a much-needed object lesson
26. the birth of a calf
27. hearing God speak to me, sometimes when I least expect it
28. watching my babies sleep
29. playing baseball with my children in the yard
30. listening to Joshie sing our Bible songs throughout the day
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Forgiveness
I was blessed to read Jodie's blog about forgiveness today. At first glance, I had to laugh at the thought of *me* being able to do *that*! I can't honestly say I WANTED to do some of those things...much less being ABLE. But Phil. 4:13 says I CAN do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me. So I've decided to eat the elephant in bite-sized pieces. I'm going through the list...one step at a time...and CHOOSING to do each thing forgiveness means towards the people God has brought to my attention.
***BIG WHINE*** Why is everything such a seemingly long, drawn-out process????
***BIG WHINE*** Why is everything such a seemingly long, drawn-out process????
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