Joshua Michael

Joshie was supposed to be a girl. We all convinced ourselves he was.

Then it happened. A week and a half before he was born, I was up early on a Sunday morning praying. God laid the name Joshua Michael on my heart. I knew what it meant...my baby was a boy...and I cried.

That morning during church I started thinking about the meaning of the name. Joshua means "God is my salvation", and Michael means "who is like God". That was enough to stun me. But when I read about the character of Joshua and Michael, I was completely overwhelmed. I thought maybe I was scratching the surface of what Mary felt when God told her that she would give birth to Jesus.

When Joshie was about 6 months old I started having horrible anxiety attacks. I couldn't eat or sleep...I was so afraid of me (or someone else in the house) throwing up. It was absolutely paralyzing. I was afraid to get in a car at times. I couldn't seem to control the thoughts myself...nor did praying seem to help. I remember one night in particular just bawling on the floor, begging God to help me.

After about 4 months, the anxiety seemed to back off...drastically, in fact. But it was replaced with severe depression, which I didn't even recognize at first. It all came to a head the day my friend's husband died. It wasn't unexpected, but I felt completely lost and alone. If Tom couldn't have enough faith...and he was a pastor...where did that leave me???? My friend introduced me to Pastor Jim Richards' materials...and suddenly there was hope again. That wasn't the end of the anxiety, but it was MUCH better...less often...and more manageable. I could at least force myself to try to focus on praying and God's truths.

It's been 4 1/2 years since the anxiety started. The attacks are still few and far between...and MUCH easier to manage. But it irritates me that it still bothers me at all. I just don't want to have to fight this stupid thing any more. And tonight, when I started to struggle, I was walking with Noelle to get her to sleep and complaining to God. I'm just tired of having to fight this thing.

And then it hit me.

I thought I kind of understood the name thing. But I realized tonight that I wasn't even close. (Of course, I may realize down the road that I'm STILL not even close!) The reality is, every attack is an opportunity to recognize Jesus as my salvation. He even gave me a reminder...Joshua Michael. JESUS is my salvation...and there is NO ONE like Him!

The timing of Joshie's birth even...in the midnight hour...is just amazing to me. In fact, he was born the night The Passion came out in movie theaters. When I watched the movie, I checked to see what was happening about 45 minutes in. It was when Jesus was before Herod. It didn't seem all that significant at the time. But now it seems as if He was showing me that He was fighting for me even then.

All these words I've written cannot begin to express the depth of the revelation I've had tonight. I'm amazed and overwhelmed with His love and protection of me.

THANK YOU, LORD!!!